Culture in Companies, Families, and Romantic Relationships

At Stanford, the one class I disliked the most was called “Cultures, Ideas and Values.” At the time, I thought there was little value in studying these topics and especially in studying what happened around these topics hundreds and thousands of years ago.

In my mind, going to school in the heart of Silicon Valley, the only thing that mattered was… the future (not the past).

I was wrong.

While science and technology have evolved tremendously over hundreds and thousands of years, human nature has not changed one bit.

Human beings still have hopes, dreams, and fears.

Human beings still wrestle with issues of power — accumulating it, not having enough of it, fighting for it, or fighting against it.

Human beings still have good days, bad days, and mediocre days.

I’ve been thinking a lot about culture lately and how much it pervades so many aspects of human life.

Let me define what I mean by culture first (as my definition is more narrow than those of my former professors).

Culture consists of the unwritten rules that govern how a group of people perceives the world around them, which in turn, guides their behavior.

Within an investment bank, the firm’s culture shapes how work, clients, and transactions are perceived, and it determines what bankers do and don’t do.

Within your extended family, your family culture shapes how members of the family view the world and determines what behaviors are seen as acceptable within the family.

Within your romantic relationship, there is also a relationship culture that shapes how you perceive yourself, your partner, and your relationship… and determines what behavior is seen as acceptable (and not) within the relationship.

In some companies, promotions are based on a seniority system. In such a corporate environment, the key to success is longevity. This is what the culture values. This type of system rewards loyalty to the company. This type of system penalizes high achievers who have joined the company recently.

In other companies, promotions are given to those who generate the most revenue. The key to success in this environment is to sell… and sell a lot. This is what the culture values. This type of system rewards those who exceed their sales targets. At the extreme, this type of system will sometimes overlook and tolerate high achievers who are cruel to coworkers and engage in unethical and sometimes illegal behaviors.

What I vaguely remember from my Cultures, Ideas and Values class are these two things:

1. Cultures, ideas, and values vary widely based on population, time in history, and location.
2. Don’t judge cultures, ideas, and values that are different from what you’re used to.

All cultures make sense to those who are deeply engaged with them.

It is very easy to pass moral judgment on whether a particular culture is good, bad, or toxic.

That can be debated (and has been debated) for all time.

The more useful questions to ask yourself are these:

Does this culture work for me?

Is this culture compatible with my values?

Does this culture match how I perceive and experience the world around me?

When you work for a company, notice which people get recognized, praised, and promoted. These are clues to the company’s culture.

When you’re early on in a dating relationship, pay attention to what the other person values in a relationship. Are these the same things that you value? Are your values compatible?

Can you collaborate and create a romantic relationship culture that works for both of you? Or are your values so different that you’ll be fighting endlessly to assert that your values are “right” and their values are “wrong” (and they will be doing the same thing in reverse)?

Cultures are very hard to change.

I’ve been telling CEOs for decades that the single most difficult thing a CEO can do is change company culture. It is the one action that has the highest failure rate. It is hard to do. Getting 100,000 employees who are used to seeing the world in a particular way and behaving in a particular way to radically change their perceptions and behaviors is extremely difficult.

One of the biggest reasons that mergers and acquisitions fail, despite being a good strategic fit, is a culture clash. When two very different company cultures come together, what happens next can be very unpredictable and problematic.

There are only two options available to you when you find yourself in a culture that does not work for you:

1. Leave or distance yourself from the situation.
2. Lead the group to a better culture.

If you have very little power or influence in the organization, number one is your only option. If you run the organization, number two is the best (albeit difficult) option.

If you share power — such as in a romantic partnership or a joint business venture — you can lead others through a process to reevaluate the preexisting culture and collaboratively change it. (Note: This is different from imposing the culture you want on others who have an equal say in the relationship.)

Assessing company culture and cultural fit are career management factors that I see as severely under-appreciated, and therefore, underutilized. You will have a much happier career and personal life when you look for a cultural fit in each of your relationships.

You will have a miserable (even if “successful”) career and personal life if you’re constantly in culture clashes or feel enormous pressure to conform to a culture you do not agree with.

What are your thoughts on this topic? Comment below to let me know.