Intent vs. Impact

“I didn’t mean to run you over with my car and put you in the emergency room…”

“I didn’t mean to take credit for your work and trash your reputation with our mutual colleagues…”

“I didn’t mean to curse you out in front of your peers and humiliate you in your place of work…”

When we didn’t mean to do something, it means we lacked the intent to cause others harm.

When we actually do cause other people harm, our actions have the impact of causing others harm.

If you didn’t mean to punch somebody else in the face, whether you meant to or not is of little importance to the person’s face on the other end of your fist.

The lack of intent (to do harm) doesn’t erase the negative impact some of our choices have on others.

Intent and impact are two important distinctions when it comes to initiating, building, and sustaining relationships with others.

Self-accountability is an advanced relationship skill. This means that when you mess up, you recognize it, take ownership of your mistake, and make efforts to make things right to the extent possible.

When you hold yourself accountable to a high or higher standard of behavior, you make it easier for others to connect, relate, and stay in a relationship with you.

You make it easier because they don’t have to spend much energy monitoring your behavior to see if it harms them. When you govern your own behaviors, the other person doesn’t have to nearly as much… and can simply relax into the relationship.

While there are many ways to be self-accountable in a relationship, one simple method is to never use the lack of intent as an excuse for the negative impact you made on someone else.

I’ll give you a personal example.

A few days ago, a dear friend texted me that she just got engaged.

I missed the text message!

It was one of a few dozen messages exchanged that day — most around scheduling logistics.

So, somewhere between, “How does next Tuesday at 1 pm look for you?” and, “The following week on Thursday works better for me,” was, “Oh, by the way, I got engaged yesterday!”

Out of the 1,000 text messages we’ve exchanged over the past decade, I noticed and responded to 999 out of 1,000. Of course, the most important one out of 1,000 was the one I didn’t see.

I could have said, “I didn’t mean to miss it.” (No intent.)

When she texted me a second time to see if I noticed the earlier text where she said she was getting married, I knew I missed it. I immediately called her up to both apologize and congratulate her.

Here’s the thing. As human beings, we are going to have “misses” from time to time. It’s not possible to be perfect.

Making mistakes is a part of being human. However, how you respond after you realize you made a mistake in part contributes to what kind of relationship you’ll have with the other person.

When you make a mistake, don’t use the lack of intent (to do harm) to obscure the fact that you had a negative impact on someone else.

When you miss, own it, repair it, and move on.

What do you think about this topic? Comment below to let me know.