There are some people in this world who are toxic. If you know someone like this and they are a peer or a superior, the only consistently reliable solution for dealing with a toxic person is avoidance. It is the only solution that is within your control and works.
If you have a jerk for a boss, you want to get another job, transfer to another manager, or minimize contact to whatever extent possible.
It is not your job to be a jerk whisperer.
It is your job to realize you’re working with someone whose behaviors and values don’t work for you, and you make a change to reduce or, ideally, completely eliminate contact.
If you’re not in a financial position to do so, then start saving up an emergency reserve fund so you very quickly have the flexibility to find a better situation.
It never gets better by just staying around hoping things change. Human beings are remarkably consistent… unless they choose to change. The choice to change comes from within the person being a jerk, not from the people around the jerk.
There’s a term to describe the people who are harmed by being in close proximity to a jerk.
They’re known as collateral damage.
The greater the proximity, the greater the damage.
Your job is to realize you’re in someone’s collateral damage zone and get the hell out as soon as possible.
In some cases, the jerk is a family member, extended family member, or a member of a community you belong to (circle of friends, industry association, church/community group). In these situations, you may not be able to avoid them completely. The next best choice is to dramatically reduce contact.
If the jerk is someone who works for you, the solution is slightly different. You have two options:
1a) Give feedback to your direct report who’s behaving like a jerk.
1b) Coach them (or hire an executive coach to coach them) to find other ways to express themselves that don’t impact others so negatively.
2) Fire them.
Life is too short to have toxic people perpetually in your life. They only wear you down over time. There is only so much toxic behavior one can take before it erodes your sense of self-worth. Best to exit those situations before that damage accumulates.
Tony Robbins once said, “The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.”
Great Relationships = Great Life
Terrible Relationships = Terrible Life
Pick the relationships that work well for you, and invest in those.
Identify the relationships that harm you, and divest yourself of those.
If you only do these two things for the rest of your life, your life will be a much better one.
It’s a simple idea, even if it is not always easy to execute.
Be kind and respectful to yourself… because if you won’t, why would someone else?
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10 thoughts on “Toxic People”
You’re absolutely right. We can only do so much in our control when it comes to toxic people. It’s either we do our best to influence their change or in some form walk away from it.
It is important to note, as you said, that we are not responsible for their change of behavior. Once we understand that, and focus a lot more on the things we can control, we can live happier lives!
Sure, but what about reporting unethical behaviors?
I think that today we live in increasingly “flexible” societies – which has positive and negative implications. For the positive part, it means that if we find ourselves to be in a toxic environment (e.g. professionally speaking, a company with a toxic culture) it is not too complex to find alternative solutions (e.g. loads of platforms and services connecting job seekers and employers). The risk of this “ease of change” is that the thing at stake can be excessively treated as a commodity (think of dating apps) and de-valued. Hence, I think it’s important to assess objectively which people/situations are really, irreversibly “toxic”, or when it’s worth to stick around and work to solve the situation.
Edoardo – I think that’s a very important distinction. There’s a difference between toxic vs difficult. In personal relationships, if your significant other punches you in the face every day, that’s toxic. If things aren’t working well, that’s difficult.
Spot on, Victor! Oftentimes, we don’t know that toxic people are right in front of us, meandering within our psyche until it’s too late. I used to tell my then teen daughter, “show me your friends & I will show you your future.” It holds true to this day. Choose your friends & business associates wisely.
Doug – Very true.
This is so true. Couldn’t agree more!
I do this a lot but it requires incredible sacrifice.
Case in point, there are tons of jerks in consulting and this is a fact even the jerks themselves are well aware. Thus people are faced with a trade-off between their own moral compass and career advancement, one that they spent years preparing for. It is a surprise that most people chose the ladder? Nope. That then creates more jerks in upper management, which encourages jerk-ish behavior, which pulls more people who are on the line to become jerks, all in a virtuous cycle.
No wonder there are so few good corporate working environments.
Again, I want to clarify that I am not saying the advice is not sound – it is. It’s just that most people absolutely knows this and yet choose money and privilege over a better life.
If people are aware of the consequences and make a choice anyways, it’s an informed and intentional choice. They just shouldn’t be surprised if the choice doesn’t feel good after the fact.
They’re not. I think I could be more clear but I’m saying more and more people are intentionally choosing to be toxic and thus that creates a flywheel effect in most professional environments. Often the more stakes are involved, the higher the position, the more likely to encounter toxic people.