The premise behind being strategic is simple – begin with the end in mind. My first encounter with this principle came from Stephen Covey’s classic book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
When I worked at McKinsey, much of the client work was focused on this principle — begin with the end in mind.
When it comes to your life, the same principle applies — begin with the end in mind.
In life, most people at best think about what they want out of their life and career over the next 1 to 3 years. However, there’s another approach that is even more strategic.
That is to consider what you want your life to represent to you on your death bed.
Yes, the ultimate way to begin with the end in mind is to begin with the end in mind. On your death bed, when you look back, what do you want to be true?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last two or three years.
I’ve hit the age where I now get more funeral notices than wedding notices. I’ve had high school classmates die, former McKinsey colleagues die, recent clients die, relatives die, friends whose parents recently died, friends with significant others who died.
Although I logically understand that our time on earth is finite and that we all die at some point, it’s entirely different when the people who die are people you actually know, or when close friends are grieving for their losses.
There have been a few lessons I’ve learned through this process that I’d like to share:
1) If you ever have the chance to visit someone who is dying, but has not yet died, do it. You will never regret it.
I’ve opted both to visit and not to visit people I knew who were dying. What I underestimated at the time was how meaningful saying goodbye to someone while they are still alive would mean to me and to the other people who survive that person. I also underestimated how much I would regret not making the effort to visit someone who is on death’s door.
With death, there is no second chance. There is no “I’ll see them next time.” When someone is dying, you don’t know exactly when they will pass. If you have the “fortune” to know in advance that someone is near passing, JUST GO.
You will never regret it. Don’t be like me. I live with regret for the people I didn’t go to say goodbye to. I will carry that with me the rest of my life. I hope you don’t ever have to do the same.
2) At the end of one’s life, one of the two big questions dying people seem to ask themselves is this, “Will the people I leave behind be okay?”
As I’m writing this tearfully, I am thinking of two friends who passed — one a man, the other a woman, vastly different in age and family circumstances. Both died with some advance notice, and both through their actions and words were just hoping beyond hope that those they left behind would be okay.
(If my late friends happen to be reading this from a “better place,” the answer is, “Yes. Everyone you were worried about, they are all okay.”).
The practical action item here is to take proactive steps around life insurance, estate plans, letters to your survivors and the like.
One of the most sobering things I ever did was when my attorney indicated that it was possible to write letters to various family members and have those documents be stored with my will. I wrote goodbye letters to each of my kids — that was just emotionally brutal and hard to get through it without a great many tears.
What it also did for me was give me great clarity as to what (and who) was important to me.
3) The other big question (more of an observation really) dying people seem to ask (or consider) is an inventory of their relationships.
On your death bed, you truly do not think about your resume. What you do is look at whose lives you touched, who came to say goodbye, and who loves you. That’s it.
I’d argue that if you died with a billion dollar net worth, but died with nobody by your side despite ample time — in so many ways, you died broke.
I watched one family friend slowly pass away over 4 months. What she did during that time was quite remarkable. She called everybody in her life who cared about her and said, “I’m dying. Will you come out here for a week or two and take care of my family because I can’t do it right now? I need your help. It is the last favor I will ever ask of you.”
What happened next really touched me. I saw an endless parade of friends and family, each taking one to two week shifts. Friends from high school, college, one city or another… all flying in to help her out.
I have no idea what her financial situation was when she passed, but it was pretty clear to me that she lived a remarkably rich life.
There’s one exercise that I’ve been trying to do for many years now. I’ve never been able to successfully do it, but here it is.
Write the obituary for yourself that you hope will be true by the time you die.
When I first tried this, mine looked like this:
“Victor Cheng passed away today. He was…”
…and then I would get stuck.
What was I? In 200 words, how do I describe the sum total of my life? Is it my work? Is it my relationships? Is it my resume? My net worth?
Going through the process prompted more questions than answers, but they were the right questions to be asking.
(I know it’s a bit morbid, but if beginning with the end in mind is strategic, then logically it would seem that before you start the rest of your life, you should define what your death looks like, right?)
To this day, I haven’t been able to finish that 200-word writing exercise, though re-attempting it every two or three years has brought me greater clarity. There have been a few themes that have been popping up fairly consistently over the last few attempts.
As I look at these themes, and then look at my life and career plans, I’ve noticed how they’ve increasingly been in alignment these last few years.
If I ask myself to what extent the time I spent this year is going towards things that make my idealized obituary true, it turns out quite a high percentage of my time has gone to exactly that.
That definitely wasn’t the case for certain time spans of my life and career, but these days I’m very much on strategic focus.
What about you?
How would your obituary read?
How much of your time this year is in alignment with the parts of your idealized obituary that are not yet true?
That is beginning with the end in mind… literally.
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48 thoughts on “The Ultimate Strategic Life Decision”
Dear Victor
Today I was flying from Cali to Bogotá (Colombia) and I read this post. I dont know why but after I finish reading I just felt that I wanna thank you for sharing your thoughts. This kind of readings is what allow us to think beyond the day by day scenario. Unfortunately we don’t take the time to stop the rush and make the proper questions about out life and what we do with the precious time that we have.
Thank you again Victor,
Luis Gáfaro
Luis,
You’re quite welcome.
-Victor
Hi Victor,
It’s very interesting what you’re doing here. I can’t help but notice most of your recent posts have been about getting your readership to reflect on more essential and grave topics such as life and death in this one, in order to build more valuable (in the longer scheme of things) character building traits. I suppose this is welcome especially for those where “acing the case interview” and other school exams are indeed life and death situations. Anyhow, just wanted to say I get what you’re doing, and I’m glad you’re being bold in writing these kind of posts as I don’t think kids or young adults get schooled enough on these things. I also like how you incorporate “exercises” for your readers since most are probably scholastically inclined. I wonder how humorous your posts on “how to get street smart” would be. lol
Hi Victor,
Great post. And believe it or not, I went through the same chain of thoughts about month and a half ago. My father’s mother passed away in 3rd week of April. She had literally raised me from zero to eighteen, when I decided to fly away.
Between my eighteen and thirty one, I paid her regular visits and tended to her when she was in hospital multiple times. But, i still feel i dint do enough. She died in Mumbai, India and I was in Brussels, Belgium then. So, distance dint really help. I had seen her just a week before she died, so was partly content that I saw her when she was knocking in the death door. I must say that in little murmurs she clearly told me that I wont see her again. Bbt that’s not the point here.
What moved me were the series of events and comversations that I had with my near and dear ones after she passed away.
We, as humans, are not the oerfect ones. We do end up hurting few people along the way. And she had also hurt a few. But, in every conversation that i had with my mom, aunts, cousins, dad’s friends, etc. they all remembered the good deeds of her. They fondly remembered how she had touche their lives in a little way and but had left a mark on them. And when she passed away, all these people showed up at her prayer meeting.
My grandpa passed away 30 years ago. In last 30 years, she worked selflesssly only for her children and grand children, cousins and numerous others. She was a pro at building and nurturing social bonds. She has gone to the extent of feeding and educating numerous nephews and nieces along with her own 5 kids. She had the will and drive to serve others.
While listening to the people who called me to pay condolences, I ws left wondering with the same thought that you have put in your post. What do i want people to remember me as. I am young, 31 year old, working in IT COnsulting company, making decent money for myself. I still have a way to go. And i instantly decided that I want to be remembered for my social worth and not my financial worth. In today’s times, social worth may easily be calculated by the weight of my online social networks, but I believe you understand what I mean here.
I still dint have my 200 word obituary note, but slowly and steadily, ideas are percolating in me as to what I want to achieve out of this life. I have the dream of becoming a CEO of a large IT company before my 40. I might make it there. But, thats not how I want to be remembered. Its just a pit stop to my destination.
This post resonated a lot with what I have been thinking. My thoughts may not be too organized here, but I just felt like letting it out. In a different way, it just helped. We all need our closures when someone very near and dear passes away. When you live away, you have to find your own closure. This post may be was mine.
Looking fwd to your next one.
Devang,
First off, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandmother lived a full life that touched many others.
A friend of mine says that when someone we love passes away, they leave those who survive with a gift – a reminder of what is important in our lives.
It sounds like that was true in your case. Best wishes in your journey.
Victor
Hi Victor,
I really enjoy your e-newsletters and find them valuable (I think I’ve even realized that consulting is not for me with your “riding the bicycle uphill” career analogy from a week or two ago). But I will continue reading your newsletters, of course.
This post made me tear up a little as I considered the finality of death and the idea of leaving people behind.
One idea we can add to such considerations is the spiritual side of life. (I’ve read what you’ve said about stoicism in a recent email.)
Though I struggle with my own spirituality and Christian faith sometimes, I believe to be true the message of God’s forgiveness, personhood in Christ, and path to wholesome earthly living and forever living (beyond our human finite life) as shared through the ways and teachings of Christ. If this is true, it definitely turns “death” as we know it, on its head. The death of our human bodies is the beginning of living in a new way, and it does not end.
Anyway, I just wanted to pass along for consideration something that isn’t always considered (or verbalized) when we think of “beginning with the end in mind,” or the finality of death.
Thanks again for sharing your meaningful experiences and knowledge.
Peace, John in the UK
John,
You and many others have raised the topic of spirituality and life after death. I think that’s absolutely a fair question, but one I personally don’t feel at all qualified to discuss. I would like to think that regardless of what one believes regarding life after death (or lack thereof), that making the most of life on earth is a worthy of our efforts.
Victor
Great insights! I’m very happy you are sharing this thoughts with us! Thanks Victor!
Best blog post yet
Kilian,
Thanks!
Victor
Victor,
Your post was very touching, thanks for sharing. Having just recently graduated college, even while having read Covey’s book, I find it challenging and often difficult to think about the “ultimate” end. Though, in recent days, I’ve reflected upon it on several occasions.
Just 2 weeks ago, a dear professor of mine passed away suddenly. I remember the first time I spoke with him, just as I remember the last time I spoke with him. He was an insightful, empathetic, and deeply inspiring man. What you say about the regret that follows a loved one’s death is so very true.
The inevitability and finality of death is something I struggle with, each time the thought enters my mind. I do find that contemplating this does make me think harder about what really matters, but the challenge then becomes applying that thinking in the right way and the right time.
How do you use your obituary exercise to frame your decisions? And, how do you make it a source of invigoration rather than defeat?
Very much appreciate your thoughts. Thanks as always, ZRL
ZRL,
This may not be the exercise you want to do if you are still grieving as the grief may easily overshadow the intellectual thought exercise.
When grief is no longer in the picture, you take the vision you have for the totality of your life, you determine what aspect of that vision is not yet true, and you use that as a guide for how you devote your time.
A significant portion of your time should be devoted to maintaining those aspects of the vision of your life that are already true, and to taking those aspects that are not yet true and making them true.
For example, in my vision of my life, I see myself as both a life long student and a teacher. Each week I ask myself, did I learn anything new this week? Did I do any teaching of anything to anyone?
If the answer is yes, and yes, then it was a good week. If have too many weeks with lots of “no and no”, then I force myself to take a time out to figure put what’s going wrong in my life – and to determine if I need to make any changes.
Victor
Starting with a perfect end in mind is the ultimate best strategy…..long term strategy….but if the most perfect your end gets is today or tomorrow it should ALWAYS be good enough.
The only way to have an end worth starting with is to make every moment, every person, every emotion, every memory count and play the part it is worthy of in your life…not more and not less, just exactly what it is worth.
Too much or too little attention/ worth will guarantee to throw out the balance and dynamics required for the perfect end.
This article made me think.
I find more and more confirmations that personal capital or wealth is measured in number of ‘likes’ and ‘follows’ these days. Not how much money you earn, how many books you wrote, and not how many TV programs you starred.
Literally, in how many people like you. Specifically, how many people genuinely like you to the extent they are ready to put everything on hold and rush to do something for you if you ask and more importantly – in case you don’t even ask. How many people you can call at 3 a.m., how many people will notice your changes, and with how many people you share your happiness, sadness and interesting thoughts so that they are not bored to listen.
This is different from networking and people skills and promoting selfie as a brand. People will like you for being sincerely, genuinely unique and original, which you cannot fake, it’s in your core personality, especially in face-to-face interactions, not digital. Basically, coming back to the principle you mentioned at the beginning for those who want to be consultants – don’t be an a…hole )).
Volga,
Great point.
Victor